This weekend I experienced many things, but they can all be summed up as being part of A Whole New World. Now, this aligns with the hit song from Disney's Aladdin, which is exactly why I put it in those terms. Aladdin has been on my mind for quite some time now and I finally found the time to watch it last night. There is one clip I want to share with you which aligns with the very title of this post, so here it is:
As Aladdin brings Princess Jasmine on the magic carpet ride it shifts the entire movie, much like this weekend has done with my life. This weekend I had the unique opportunity to facilitate the 360 Conference for the members of the Minnesota FFA. As I went through this weekend I could not help but think of how I had entered in to my very own new world.
As many of you know a few weeks ago I took off my FFA jacket for the last time. I thought this was going to be devastated and I certainly expected a large amount of tears to come along with it. However, it was more a time of understanding within myself. I realized that although I had not served as a state officer for the Minnesota FFA Association, my life was not over. I know this seems simple to most, but I assure you it comes through heavy words.
When we go through life we chase after unimaginable things, but once we get close to them they become this vivid reality. Much like in Aladdin, when Jafar initially thought he had obtained the magic lamp, I too thought I had reached my end destination. However, life took me on another path and it was as though Abu had stolen my very own lamp.
This brought me down, deeper than I would like to admit, but the reality of the situation is that it happened. When we chase after something with everything we have, and then we fail, we have nothing left to support ourselves. I became ashamed of who I was and what I had done. I wanted to hide my past, much like Aladdin wanted to hide his from Princess Jasmine. However, we cannot run away from who we are, because if we hide that what do we have left to show to others?
Now back to this shift to a whole new world. This weekend was the official shift in my life from that feeling of defeat and ending of my FFA career to my life outside of my Sibley East FFA jacket. This weekend I was able to realize the power I had was inside of myself the whole time; it could not be turned on and off by a jacket. I realized I still had a role within FFA even if I was not serving as a state officer.
A dazzling place it is indeed to know where I am meant to be. As we go through life we will face events that will shake our foundation, but please do not let them overpower you. A line that always jumps out to me from A Whole New World is "Don't you dare close your eyes!". That is exactly what I did, I closed my eyes and hoped it would all pass. But in reality nothing will change unless we act as the catalyst to allow that change to happen.
As I had the opportunity to work with some powerful individuals this weekend, I reflected on the past but I realized that none of it mattered while I was facilitating. It did not matter what titles I had or had not held, it only mattered how I was doing at that very moment. The only thing others looked at me based upon were my actions, not my titles.
As I was facilitating I finally felt at home after months of wandering. I was filled with an energy unlike any other. I know now my new world is right around me, as I live out my life as a college student and as I pursue greater opportunities to facilitate for others. I have always known I wanted to make a difference in the lives of others, but after FFA I did not know where to find those opportunities. I thought they had all been stolen from me, but that was because I was not pursuing them. I was not actively seeking them and that was my downfall. But now within my new world I know I have to be the change and chase after those opportunities. Facilitating is just my first outlet, who knows what other chances await me within this new world as I reflect on all 360° that encompass who I am!
This weekend I was finally able to close one chapter of my life. Although it was rough chapter, it is certainly one I would not live without. We will face things in life that we do not agree with, or do not like, but they are there to teach us valuable lessons. I will take those lessons and remember who I am and where I come from as I enter into my whole new world.
Now as the song calls for, let me share my whole new world with you. Whether it be running for state office or having our lamp stolen from us, do not let it shake your foundation. Know that you are stronger than any obstacle if you truly give it your all. If you do not learn it from my story, then pay attention to Aladdin because he is far more credible than I am! As Princess Jasmine says in the song, "I can't go back to where I used to be". We have to keep moving forward no matter the obstacle. We do not all need a genie to shift into a whole new world, all we need is a belief in ourselves and the determination to keep moving forward.
The title of this blog is Aimless Direction. What does that mean to you?
Take a moment to really think about this quote and its relation to the concept of Aimless Direction:
"Probably some of the best things that have ever happened to you in life happened because you said yes to something. Otherwise things just sort of stay the same."-Danny Wallace
To me aimless in direction means letting go and just moving forward. We are constantly moving forward in our lives and no matter how much we want to control the direction we are moving in, we just have to let go. Sometimes putting one foot in front of the other is the most powerful thing we can do in a day. This is something that has been on my mind, especially within the last couple of weeks.
Throughout the recent past I have had the notion that I could just stand still. I did not like the events that happened to me and so I thought I could just stop moving and figure out what was going on and where to go from there. But what happened was beyond my control. No matter how little I moved, life continued on around me, and I was missing out. So as I think about it now, what I have to bring into my life is the idea of aimless direction.
One way or another I have to move forward, and at this time I may not know where it is I am going towards, but I will move forward nonetheless. I recently went back to think about what I have always been told, "Every day do something that will inch you closer to a better tomorrow." This does not specify what that better tomorrow is, just that it is out there. We are in constant pursuit of that better tomorrow, but what will we do each and every day to get closer to that? This past week I have really focused on this idea and I truly felt powerful. I challenge you to do the same; go forward with every single action. You may not know where you are going, but better yourself so that when that opportunity for a better tomorrow comes up, you will be ready.
As I continue to look back and analyze the events in my life, I focus on the most powerful of events. What comes to mind includes joining Cub Scouts, SGLC, TEC 77, and working at the Fresh Air Fund this summer. As I look over them all, I see one thing in common: I went into each and every one of those having no idea what was going to happen at any of them. I went because a friend, or family member, recommended them to me. I thought little of it, but decided to give each a chance, and they all turned out to be powerful moments.
This brings me back to the idea of aimless direction. I may not have known what was going to happen at these events, but I was pushed to go towards them. I was aimless in my thoughts but that one person gave me the direction, and without it I would have missed out on extremely important events in my life. They all lead me to where I am today and they all played a part in shaping me into the individual that is before you.
Bringing it back to the initial quote; have you had a chance to connect it to this conversation yet? In life we have to say yes to some things, even when we do not quite know what they are about or how they may play a role in our lives. We have to have faith in those closest to us who recommend them to us. When we let go to direction, and just focus on moving forward, the greatest of things can happen. Take every opportunity that comes your way, because you may never know what it can do for you.
There are times in our lives where we cannot think of a solid future, no matter how hard we try. We are not meant to know exactly what we will do with our lives. We can try all we want, but there will be times when that road takes you on a different path. We may not be ready for it, but it will be coming one way or another, so you better be adaptable. No matter how hard we strive, we cannot do it all.
If you find yourself in a situation like mine, one of living a stationary life and one without guidance, focus on moving forward. You may not know where you are going, but you have to move forward and better yourself so that when the next greatest opportunity comes your way, you will be prepared. Focus on this preparation for the future, and not on how you could have changed the past. Life will continue to move forward with or without you, so always remember to live your life with aimless direction.
As I sit here and listen to the songs you once showed me, I cannot help but let the memories come rushing in. I think of the time you first showed it to me, the emotions it connected with, and now the thoughts it brings back. Each song has a memory that is connected to it and some are easier to listen to than others. But sometimes I find myself listening to a song just to feel that connection once more.
Sometimes I need to be reminded of the past we once shared. Why am I pushed to this point? Because bridges have been burnt; whether it was by you, by me, or by mutual agreement. I wish I could send you a text or tell you about all the little things that remind me of you, but I cannot cross the river over to you anymore. I wish with all my might I could go back and begin that friendship over again. Relive it all and cherish the memories once more, but sadly time does not work like that.
I wish I could go to you now and rebuild that bridge but how do you build a bridge out of broken materials? I wish I could go back and save that bridge from being torn down. I wish I had given it my all instead of giving up on the friendship we had built up. The worst pain is knowing that no matter what I do, I can never guarantee that if I were to go back and try again you would be there to build up the bridge from the other side.
We are bound to go through life and gain and lose friendships, but sometimes I wish it were not so hard. I wish every little thing did not fill me up with memories we once shared, adventures we went on, laughter we exploded in, or tears we shed together. I wish I would be able to move on, but I can still see you from the shore that is left where that mighty bridge once stood. I wish I could go back and forget all the troubles.
This is an open letter of sorts, letting you know that if we have burnt a bridge between us that I have never forgotten about you. I hope that the little things remind you of me just as much as they remind me of you. I can promise you I have never forgotten about you, nor will I ever forget about you. I think of all the things we did together and I wish for those times back. I do not know how I would do it or muster through the pain, but I would just to see you as I once did. I am sick of seeing your name and feeling an emptiness inside. I am sick of averting my eyes or dropping silent every time we cross paths. I am sick of imagining what I would say to you if I had the chance.
There are countless individuals that come to mind when I write this, but I remember each and every single one of you. Honestly, there are too many to admit, because it is embarrassing. I have let the slightest thing get in the way of what we once had. I gave up when you still expected me to fight, and I should have. I let the supports snap on my side of the bridge, which caused a series of events that led to it crumbling.
There are numerous people out there telling you that sometimes you just have to drift away from someone. But I do not know how that is possible when I think of it all this much. I am willing to change it all, I just do not know how to go about it. It just seems like we have traveled miles apart and nothing can bridge that gap anymore. I wish I knew where to go from here. One thing I know is certain, the little things will never cease to remind me of you and bring back the memories that feel so right.
For those of you that come to the same situation, please do not give up. Do not let that bridge fall unless it is your only option. If you are the cause of it, then swallow your pride and do whatever you have to to save that friendship. It will be worth anything greater than what you thought was bigger than your friendship. The worst thing you can do is let it all fall down and regret it every time you look back.
If it is the other person, then work towards common ground. Talk it out with them instead of stopping all conversation or contact. Be the bigger person and listen to the person on the other side. Please do not make my mistakes. I understand that there are some relationships that are not healthy for you. It is up to you to decide what that is. Whatever you do, do not read the relationship wrong and then realize your mistake after you set that bridge on fire.
For those I have hurt, I am sorry. For those bridges I have burnt down, I am sorry. I would do anything to go back and build up that bridge, but I fear you do not see it the same. For those out there that still have a chance, continue to fight. Do not give up unless it is your only option, because you do not want to realize down the road you made the wrong decision. It will eat you up inside. Do what you can with what life hands you, but think about every step before you do something you cannot take back.
There is a video I would like to share with you that I revisit every so often. It has been an influential piece that I go back to when I truly have something heavy on my head and I need guidance on how to sort out my racing mind. Please watch it and just truly listen to the words and see where it takes your mind.
Now that you have watched it, what did you think? If you're anything like me you're going to need a whole mess of time to sort it all out. But please follow me as I go over what it means to myself and maybe it can offer some help on where you are going.
"How often do you look back? Really reflect on what you've done."
If you're anything like me you do this constantly. You evaluate and critique what you have done in the past and you play out something in your head that didn't quite go as well as you planned and imagine what you could have done to change things. It seems no matter where I go or what I do I can never let go. I always thought I was a futuristic person but it isn't until your whole plan crumbles that you really reflect on both the past and the future. One knows that both are connected but when you find yourself looking back too often and not knowing where you're headed; that's when you know you're in trouble. This summer I had the opportunity to be in New York working in one of the greatest jobs I could have ever experienced but every time my life slowed down or I had a spec of free time I couldn't help but think about the past. I tried to run away from my life in Minnesota by filling that gap with something else but the problem I keep running into is that the greatest holes left in our heart leave very unique spots that cannot be filled by anything else. So in my case, I may reflect too much and that is where my downfall comes into play.
"The insignificance of it all. Pointless arguments, inside jokes, funny haircuts."
In two simple sentences he blows all that worry out of the water. When we look back on life there are few things that really matter in the grand scheme of our own lives, and even less when we look at the world as a whole. We have to make moments truly powerful for us to remember them in the future and that is the neat thing about it. There are endless moments in our life that we will never remember three days from now, or three weeks or three years from now, but we act as though everything shapes and changes our entire world. We give the moments the power and we have the ability to control what is important in our lives. I'll be honest this seems like a simple concept to me but there are endless times when I let these insignificant things take over my life. I wish I could just learn to let go but I give them this power over me and they control who I am and how I act. The simplest of moments can be the most powerful and we don't know what will be truly powerful until we get farther down the path. But for now we have to quit living life like any simple thing can throw it off course because in reality we are much stronger than we give ourselves credit for and we can overcome mountains when we need to.
"But do you ever wonder how you'll be remembered? Or if what you've done and what you're doing means anything at all?"
I do this every single day. My greatest anxiety stems from thinking about how I'll be remembered. I like to think I've done some great things in my time but in all reality I haven't done much. I have given my heart into my life and given everything I have towards achieving the greatest of my dreams only to come away with a broken mind and a broken facade. There were times after that that I wanted to be strong and still go and change the world but when you feel like have given something literally every fiber of your body, how are you supposed to achieve anything else? Everything that comes towards you you will never be fully prepared for or have enough to offer because it will never be enough. In reality who is going to ever remember the man who almost followed his dreams? I hope that what I'm doing has some greater meaning but in the grand spectrum of things I may never know the impact that I have had and whether or not that is a positive or a negative impact.
"What will your song sound like when you're dead and gone? Will tears fall when the last note is sung? And how will your story be told? Will your words leave a bitter taste in their mouths, or will the even remember you at all?"
This line probably scares me the most for it has such power and significance. I hope that my song has a nice mellow saxophone solo in the background with some dubstep thrown in there...no, but I hope that I leave something behind. I think we all hope that our lives will be worth something and we will make even the slightest impact on the lives of those around us. I felt like I was truly making a difference with my time within the National FFA Organization but at the end of the day what is left of that? Anyone I didn't disappoint when I wasn't chosen to serve as a State Officer certainly doesn't like the way I reacted. I know that. I can't hide that though. I'm not going to go around pretending like it doesn't hurt. I believe doing that would do less justice than facing reality. I hope my story turns out to be something but honestly at this point, I'm not too excited with how it's going. I want to change it, to redirect my path, however the problem I have is that I have no idea where I'm going. I had it all set out before me and I knew every single step I was going to take, until it all got thrown into the trash. I had to scrap everything I had and start over and now I don't know where that new beginning is supposed to be. I've been trying to do everything I can to fill that void but like I said before, once you have a hole in your heart it's hard to fill it with anything but what left that imprint. There are honestly times where I worry about if I'll be remembered at all but it comes with justified thoughts. I have been forgotten already. However I think it's a natural part of moving through life. As we fade in and out of things we are going to become forgotten to those who we looked up to so much or we were so close to before. Is there any going back to the way things once were? I don't know, I have no control over what goes on with others. I just hope that someone still remembers the things I have done and the way I once made them feel.
"Compassion. The concept is rather simple. Most know what it means to be civil, but there is truly a fine line between sweet and sour."
I once was more compassionate than I am today and I understand that. I often wonder what it was that motivated me to make the change, but I'll get back to that in a second. I truly would give the world to most people I meet, which I fully understand is a tough thing at times. In FFA that greater connection came so simply and it was almost a given. I have found no other place in life where you can be that open with someone and care about someone that much. This summer I had the opportunity to meet and educate over 3,000 kids and 400 staff. I wish I could say that I made a deep connection with at least 5 of those people. I wish I could have had the opportunity to get to know someone's passions, desires, loves, and their motivations, but I didn't. I miss the connection that was made and the investment that was given when you truly got to know someone. To feel like you've known each other your entire lives when in reality you may have only met at one or two events. I miss being able to inspire others and in turn be inspired by them. That is the powerful aspect that I took for granted and I wish I could find somewhere else. Maybe I'm looking in the wrong spot or maybe it never even was there in the first place. I think compassion is something we often times forget about when it comes to living our lives and we keep moving forward only thinking about ourselves and how our actions will help us, when we should be thinking of others and what we can do for them. When we can break down that barrier and truly live a life for others is when we can move forward as a whole.
"Give too much of yourself away and you'll be all used up, not enough and no one will be around to share this with."
Unfortunately I've had experience on both ends of this spectrum, but none really in the middle. It wasn't until I joined FFA and experienced TEC when I found the joy and the passion for serving others. I was able to truly make someone's life better by helping them out and being a better version of myself. I took this too far though and I invested myself too heavily into others. Always thinking about what I could do for them and how I could improve their lives, but in the end I forgot to look at myself. I kept getting used and taken for granted and let me tell you that is tough. It wasn't until I was able to take a step back that I realized what was going on. However at that point in time another great turning point happened in my life and I jumped over to the other side. I felt so bad for myself and I was so ashamed that I retreated from the life around me. I lost friendships and I lost out on great experiences within my life that I can never get back. The only thing I can do from here is to try and find that balance and incorporate it within my life. I still have plenty of time left, hopefully I can do it right the third or fourth time around.
"So what is it that motivates us to be better, gentler, more refined? I'd like to think it's those close to us, close to the heart and soul. Those who carried you to the car after you puked on their shoes. Those who took the blame for breaking the window when it was you who cast the stone. Those who will be by your side when reality knocks on your door, both good and bad."
This is one of the greatest things we need to find while we go forward through life. Who will be worth having next to you? Who could you fight side by side with, into the lower gates of hell, and enjoy every step along the way? I'll be honest, last May I did a horrible job of keeping my friendships alive. I retreated from the entire world not wanting to see that look of disappointment on anyone's face, but how much of a fool was I? Of course there will be people that will never look at me the same after not getting State Office, but those are not the people worthy of it all. I am so thankful for those friends that have been there for me, even if I may not have been up for it all the time. I was able to keep moving forward because I knew that I have these phenomenal friends around me supporting me every step of the way. True friendships are about being able to sacrifice something of yours, whether it be time, pleasures, or comforts, to help that friend out. When you can have that level of sacrifice on both ends is when you know you have found a true friend and even family. I have taken many of my friendships for granted but I am thankful for a new semester and new opportunities to show those around me how much I truly appreciate them.
"But more importantly, those whose stories you will share with your kids, and grandkids, and their kids, and their grandkids, in hopes to somehow keep this all alive."
Isn't that what any of us wants? We want our lives to matter and we want to leave a legacy on the lives of those who come after us. How easy is it for our story to just fade away once we are gone? This is one of my biggest worries but I went about things all the wrong way this summer. I retreated from everything but that is exactly what is going to get me into this situation. If we don't readily work past every upset we come up against, we will ultimately be left behind in the dust. It is true in a sense, history forgets those who lost. But it only happens when they let that lose be the last thing known about them. It sounds so cheesy, but like I've said before, I've found out that if it's said enough to become a cliche, it's most likely true; you cannot let yourself be dragged down by a loss, no matter how great, because once you stop moving forward at that point, you will be forgotten. You need to continue on past it all and truly do something spectacular, because we've all failed once or twice, some of us just face failure far more often than others. Sure it may not be fair, but it's reality and it's what we have to face. Now like I said before, I am not the model to follow when it comes to handling failure, but I hope that somehow I can make up for the time I have lost.
"Chivalry, decency, kindness, compassion, desire, strength. How will you be remembered?"
I hope to achieve all of these aspects by the time my time is up and I believe that if I have changed one person's life, than I have truly made it. I hope my life will be worth something. However, if it's going to be anything like the past three months have been, then I have failed. I know how I reacted to not serving as a State Officer was shameful, but in reality that is what I felt. I didn't want to hide who I was because I felt as though that was me putting on a facade to fool others into thinking everything was alright when in reality I was crumbling on the inside. I am nowhere near where I once was and I probably never will be, but I want to have a conscious focus on getting back there. I still want to change the world and inspire others, maybe it's just supposed to be through another medium. I have no idea where I'm going and I truly am taking this day-by-day, but hopefully sometime soon I will find something else that I am as passionate about that I was, and maybe still am, about FFA. I know somewhere out there is something waiting for me, it's all about what I do until I find that thing.
For now I ask that you forgive me for my actions in the past, you bear with me while I try and sort everything out, and you hopefully encourage me as I move forward past it all. I have reflected both on how I would be remembered at this point in time and how I hope to one day be remembered once my journey is done. Now, how will you be remembered?
Hopefully when you see the title it brings something important to mind. For those of you that know your Disney as well as you should, you know Go the Distance is a song from the movie Hercules.
STOP!!
If you have not heard Go the Distance, or love the song, I have placed this video here for your enjoyment and learning opportunity. I have included a video with the lyrics in it because that is the main focus of this writing.
I hope you all enjoyed the video, now where was I? Oh yes, for me Go the Distance has always kept special meaning whenever I have heard and played it. It is quite a unique song because I have always saved it for special events. It has been one of the greatest songs to have an impact on my life and it has guided me to many interesting places. Throughout my life I have always battled with the question of where I truly belonged. Growing up I always did my own thing and I had those that came along for the ride but I never really felt like I was surrounded with the people that were meant to be there. I filled the gap with classmates and activities like playing video games or trading Pokemon cards, but nothing was the right fit.
Jump forward to the 15 year old version of Vinz Karl and what do we have? The same song, different verse. It was a new town and different friends but the same routine. However when I went to SGLC that summer of 2009, that was when I first felt like I had found the place where I could truly belong and call home. This city kid had come into an agricultural event and had been accepted by those around him against all odds. I could finally be myself for once and I never once had a worry about anyone judging me for being who I was meant to be. So there it was, I had finally heard the voice saying "This is where I'm meant to be". What I had found was my passion. A passion for agriculture, for helping others, for making a difference in the world. It was the beginning of the rest of my life and in the next year was when I truly began to become myself. Over that year I found the song Go the Distance and I didn't slow down to truly listen to the words until the next year at SLCCL in 2010. It was right before I went in to interview for Banquet Committee, a feat I had greatly bombed the year before, so I was nervous as I could be. I put in my headphones and got lost in the music and I remember the song I had on my iPod, Go the Distance. I put it on and something told me to listen. What I heard was exactly my FFA career, and ultimately my life, unfolding in front of me. From that moment on I promised myself I would find my way, all the way to the end. I would take this passion that was ignited in my heart and my entire being and I would follow it to wherever it lead me, no questions asked. From that day on I began a new life and I have, well hardly, ever looked back. (I mean I can't just stop playing video games, but that's a whole nother story) So I chose to follow my passion for FFA by giving it my all. Although some people along the way have not been in agreeance with my choice to do so, but ultimately it is my choice. I have given my everything to FFA because ultimately it is the reason I am where I am today and I owe everything to agriculture. It has been my home and my guidance ever since I stumbled upon it. The choice to follow our passions is something that guides each and every one of our lives. Those who have been lucky enough to find their passions are fortunate because they have something to strive towards and a guidance in their life. Those who have not found their passions yet are on a journey that each one of us have to go through and at times it may seem tough, but it is certainly worth it in the end. It is hard to put a definition for passion into words because it cannot be given such a simple cage to rule over what it is. A passion is more than words, it is a feeling. It is something that you feel inside yourself and you are pulled towards it because it is so strong and it is the purest feeling there is. Passion has been the leading force of the world. Each one of us has to find our passions and then once we are fortunate enough to have done so, we must follow it to wherever it takes us. The greatest thing that has happened to me is finding my passion and the greatest choice I have made is to follow that passion. My passion for serving others and changing the world has lead me to such amazing and great places. Ultimately it was founded in the place where I felt at home and heard those words: "This is where I'm meant to be". I have gone the distance and I have jumped over more hurdles than I can count, but it has been truly worth it. It may seem like a challenge at times but you have to remind yourself with the lyrics, "I know every mile, will be worth my while". Agriculture as a whole has lead me up to this place and it has molded me into the person I am today. It has given me one of the greatest and strongest communities in the world and one that is so huge and accepting. With the world weighing down on my shoulders I came back to campus not looking forward to the classes ahead of me, but when I came back I was surrounded by the greatest of friends. It was like no time had passed since we last saw each other and we had a great time together. We caught up from break and went right back into things. It was not until this morning at 2:00am, while watching Hercules with some truly great friends, that I realized how true the lyrics of Go the Distance have been in my life and how they have been a guidance for me every step of the way throughout my journey.
As I was facilitating I finally felt at home after months of wandering. I was filled with an energy unlike any other. I know now my new world is right around me, as I live out my life as a college student and as I pursue greater opportunities to facilitate for others. I have always known I wanted to make a difference in the lives of others, but after FFA I did not know where to find those opportunities. I thought they had all been stolen from me, but that was because I was not pursuing them. I was not actively seeking them and that was my downfall. But now within my new world I know I have to be the change and chase after those opportunities. Facilitating is just my first outlet, who knows what other chances await me within this new world as I reflect on all 360° that encompass who I am!