Now that you have watched it, what did you think? If you're anything like me you're going to need a whole mess of time to sort it all out. But please follow me as I go over what it means to myself and maybe it can offer some help on where you are going.
"How often do you look back? Really reflect on what you've done."
If you're anything like me you do this constantly. You evaluate and critique what you have done in the past and you play out something in your head that didn't quite go as well as you planned and imagine what you could have done to change things. It seems no matter where I go or what I do I can never let go. I always thought I was a futuristic person but it isn't until your whole plan crumbles that you really reflect on both the past and the future. One knows that both are connected but when you find yourself looking back too often and not knowing where you're headed; that's when you know you're in trouble. This summer I had the opportunity to be in New York working in one of the greatest jobs I could have ever experienced but every time my life slowed down or I had a spec of free time I couldn't help but think about the past. I tried to run away from my life in Minnesota by filling that gap with something else but the problem I keep running into is that the greatest holes left in our heart leave very unique spots that cannot be filled by anything else. So in my case, I may reflect too much and that is where my downfall comes into play.
"The insignificance of it all. Pointless arguments, inside jokes, funny haircuts."
In two simple sentences he blows all that worry out of the water. When we look back on life there are few things that really matter in the grand scheme of our own lives, and even less when we look at the world as a whole. We have to make moments truly powerful for us to remember them in the future and that is the neat thing about it. There are endless moments in our life that we will never remember three days from now, or three weeks or three years from now, but we act as though everything shapes and changes our entire world. We give the moments the power and we have the ability to control what is important in our lives. I'll be honest this seems like a simple concept to me but there are endless times when I let these insignificant things take over my life. I wish I could just learn to let go but I give them this power over me and they control who I am and how I act. The simplest of moments can be the most powerful and we don't know what will be truly powerful until we get farther down the path. But for now we have to quit living life like any simple thing can throw it off course because in reality we are much stronger than we give ourselves credit for and we can overcome mountains when we need to.
"But do you ever wonder how you'll be remembered? Or if what you've done and what you're doing means anything at all?"
I do this every single day. My greatest anxiety stems from thinking about how I'll be remembered. I like to think I've done some great things in my time but in all reality I haven't done much. I have given my heart into my life and given everything I have towards achieving the greatest of my dreams only to come away with a broken mind and a broken facade. There were times after that that I wanted to be strong and still go and change the world but when you feel like have given something literally every fiber of your body, how are you supposed to achieve anything else? Everything that comes towards you you will never be fully prepared for or have enough to offer because it will never be enough. In reality who is going to ever remember the man who almost followed his dreams? I hope that what I'm doing has some greater meaning but in the grand spectrum of things I may never know the impact that I have had and whether or not that is a positive or a negative impact.
"What will your song sound like when you're dead and gone? Will tears fall when the last note is sung? And how will your story be told? Will your words leave a bitter taste in their mouths, or will the even remember you at all?"
This line probably scares me the most for it has such power and significance. I hope that my song has a nice mellow saxophone solo in the background with some dubstep thrown in there...no, but I hope that I leave something behind. I think we all hope that our lives will be worth something and we will make even the slightest impact on the lives of those around us. I felt like I was truly making a difference with my time within the National FFA Organization but at the end of the day what is left of that? Anyone I didn't disappoint when I wasn't chosen to serve as a State Officer certainly doesn't like the way I reacted. I know that. I can't hide that though. I'm not going to go around pretending like it doesn't hurt. I believe doing that would do less justice than facing reality. I hope my story turns out to be something but honestly at this point, I'm not too excited with how it's going. I want to change it, to redirect my path, however the problem I have is that I have no idea where I'm going. I had it all set out before me and I knew every single step I was going to take, until it all got thrown into the trash. I had to scrap everything I had and start over and now I don't know where that new beginning is supposed to be. I've been trying to do everything I can to fill that void but like I said before, once you have a hole in your heart it's hard to fill it with anything but what left that imprint. There are honestly times where I worry about if I'll be remembered at all but it comes with justified thoughts. I have been forgotten already. However I think it's a natural part of moving through life. As we fade in and out of things we are going to become forgotten to those who we looked up to so much or we were so close to before. Is there any going back to the way things once were? I don't know, I have no control over what goes on with others. I just hope that someone still remembers the things I have done and the way I once made them feel.
"Compassion. The concept is rather simple. Most know what it means to be civil, but there is truly a fine line between sweet and sour."
I once was more compassionate than I am today and I understand that. I often wonder what it was that motivated me to make the change, but I'll get back to that in a second. I truly would give the world to most people I meet, which I fully understand is a tough thing at times. In FFA that greater connection came so simply and it was almost a given. I have found no other place in life where you can be that open with someone and care about someone that much. This summer I had the opportunity to meet and educate over 3,000 kids and 400 staff. I wish I could say that I made a deep connection with at least 5 of those people. I wish I could have had the opportunity to get to know someone's passions, desires, loves, and their motivations, but I didn't. I miss the connection that was made and the investment that was given when you truly got to know someone. To feel like you've known each other your entire lives when in reality you may have only met at one or two events. I miss being able to inspire others and in turn be inspired by them. That is the powerful aspect that I took for granted and I wish I could find somewhere else. Maybe I'm looking in the wrong spot or maybe it never even was there in the first place. I think compassion is something we often times forget about when it comes to living our lives and we keep moving forward only thinking about ourselves and how our actions will help us, when we should be thinking of others and what we can do for them. When we can break down that barrier and truly live a life for others is when we can move forward as a whole.
"Give too much of yourself away and you'll be all used up, not enough and no one will be around to share this with."
Unfortunately I've had experience on both ends of this spectrum, but none really in the middle. It wasn't until I joined FFA and experienced TEC when I found the joy and the passion for serving others. I was able to truly make someone's life better by helping them out and being a better version of myself. I took this too far though and I invested myself too heavily into others. Always thinking about what I could do for them and how I could improve their lives, but in the end I forgot to look at myself. I kept getting used and taken for granted and let me tell you that is tough. It wasn't until I was able to take a step back that I realized what was going on. However at that point in time another great turning point happened in my life and I jumped over to the other side. I felt so bad for myself and I was so ashamed that I retreated from the life around me. I lost friendships and I lost out on great experiences within my life that I can never get back. The only thing I can do from here is to try and find that balance and incorporate it within my life. I still have plenty of time left, hopefully I can do it right the third or fourth time around.
"So what is it that motivates us to be better, gentler, more refined? I'd like to think it's those close to us, close to the heart and soul. Those who carried you to the car after you puked on their shoes. Those who took the blame for breaking the window when it was you who cast the stone. Those who will be by your side when reality knocks on your door, both good and bad."
This is one of the greatest things we need to find while we go forward through life. Who will be worth having next to you? Who could you fight side by side with, into the lower gates of hell, and enjoy every step along the way? I'll be honest, last May I did a horrible job of keeping my friendships alive. I retreated from the entire world not wanting to see that look of disappointment on anyone's face, but how much of a fool was I? Of course there will be people that will never look at me the same after not getting State Office, but those are not the people worthy of it all. I am so thankful for those friends that have been there for me, even if I may not have been up for it all the time. I was able to keep moving forward because I knew that I have these phenomenal friends around me supporting me every step of the way. True friendships are about being able to sacrifice something of yours, whether it be time, pleasures, or comforts, to help that friend out. When you can have that level of sacrifice on both ends is when you know you have found a true friend and even family. I have taken many of my friendships for granted but I am thankful for a new semester and new opportunities to show those around me how much I truly appreciate them.
"But more importantly, those whose stories you will share with your kids, and grandkids, and their kids, and their grandkids, in hopes to somehow keep this all alive."
Isn't that what any of us wants? We want our lives to matter and we want to leave a legacy on the lives of those who come after us. How easy is it for our story to just fade away once we are gone? This is one of my biggest worries but I went about things all the wrong way this summer. I retreated from everything but that is exactly what is going to get me into this situation. If we don't readily work past every upset we come up against, we will ultimately be left behind in the dust. It is true in a sense, history forgets those who lost. But it only happens when they let that lose be the last thing known about them. It sounds so cheesy, but like I've said before, I've found out that if it's said enough to become a cliche, it's most likely true; you cannot let yourself be dragged down by a loss, no matter how great, because once you stop moving forward at that point, you will be forgotten. You need to continue on past it all and truly do something spectacular, because we've all failed once or twice, some of us just face failure far more often than others. Sure it may not be fair, but it's reality and it's what we have to face. Now like I said before, I am not the model to follow when it comes to handling failure, but I hope that somehow I can make up for the time I have lost.
"Chivalry, decency, kindness, compassion, desire, strength. How will you be remembered?"
I hope to achieve all of these aspects by the time my time is up and I believe that if I have changed one person's life, than I have truly made it. I hope my life will be worth something. However, if it's going to be anything like the past three months have been, then I have failed. I know how I reacted to not serving as a State Officer was shameful, but in reality that is what I felt. I didn't want to hide who I was because I felt as though that was me putting on a facade to fool others into thinking everything was alright when in reality I was crumbling on the inside. I am nowhere near where I once was and I probably never will be, but I want to have a conscious focus on getting back there. I still want to change the world and inspire others, maybe it's just supposed to be through another medium. I have no idea where I'm going and I truly am taking this day-by-day, but hopefully sometime soon I will find something else that I am as passionate about that I was, and maybe still am, about FFA. I know somewhere out there is something waiting for me, it's all about what I do until I find that thing.
For now I ask that you forgive me for my actions in the past, you bear with me while I try and sort everything out, and you hopefully encourage me as I move forward past it all. I have reflected both on how I would be remembered at this point in time and how I hope to one day be remembered once my journey is done. Now, how will you be remembered?
